You Still Have All of Me
by Kolie
Summary: Yuki thinks back on his past...life with Kitazawa and the pain that came with it. [oneshot, songfic to My Immortal by Evanescence]


I've had so much inspiration lately, just none for ILaH unfortunately, and this just happened to come to me early this morning. Yes, it's a song-fic (technically my very first) to "My Immortal" by Evanescence, but it's kinda got a different pairing type thing to it (read summary to get the gist of it). It's kinda depressing, more so than my other stuff (well, besides ILaH), but I still like it. I've been meaning to do something like this for a while, but…yeah…

Well, I guess that's it. I'll catch ya at the end…

**Disclaimer:** _Gravitation_'s not mine and neither is Evanescence. I love them both almost to the point of obsession, but I guess I'd just be a groupie. _sigh_ Oh, well, Amy and Yuki are both still hot and that's all that matters…

**You Still Have All of Me**

I stood at the cold grave stone, the nervous sweat dipping down my face mixing with the tears. It's been so long since I've visited this particular grave sight, and I still felt somewhat of a presence lingering somewhere deep within the stone. It kind of unnerved me, but also somehow made me feel safe and comforted; like I hadn't come here just to talk to an empty shell.

_I'm so tired of being here_

_Suppressed by all of my childish fears_

_And if you have to leave_

_I wish that you would just leave_

'_Cause your presence still lingers here_

_And it won't leave me alone_

_These wounds won't seem to heal_

_This pain is just too real_

_There's just too much that time cannot erase…_

I drop to my knee, the cold snow melting into my pants and freezing my skin, and trace the engraved name with my pointer finger. _Yuki Kitazawa. _The name had haunted me in my sleep for years. The name, the pain, the anger, the frustration…everything he ever put me through. I wanted it to stop; maybe this would help me in that task.

I never admitted it to anyone before, but that man scared me more than I am now afraid of myself. Only that demon from hell could rip a young man like I had been in half and then leave him lying out on the cold city sidewalks of New York. I made a promise to myself to never become like that, but, in a way, I already had. How many times had I threw that damn brat out into the cold, only to have him crawl back to me like I always had to Yuki? But I never raped him, never forced myself onto him and beat him senseless.

Yuki had never cared about my fears, my tears,…my pain. That was my job. To take care of him once he was finished with me, to take be there for him when he screamed out in his sleep, to give him the drugs to nurse his bad hangovers, to tell him I was okay and wipe away _his_ tears when he realized what he had done. But had he _really_ meant his apologies? Now that I really think about it, I don't think he ever did, but the false sense of love and reassurance always helped me feel better…

_When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears_

_When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears_

_And I've held your hand through all of these years_

_But you still have all of me…_

I cursed at my tears as they turned slowly into sobs. I loved this man, I still loved this man. No matter what he had done to me, no matter how little he had cared…I _still_ loved him. But I was also in love with someone else, wasn't I? That pink-haired baka that had clung to my arm and begged me to bring him here with me…I love him too, with all of my heart. And it was because of that love that I was here today. I couldn't love two people at once and I couldn't love someone that was dead. I needed to let go of the love of my past life so I could hang onto the love of my present and future life…

_You used to captivate me_

_By your resonating light_

_But now I'm bound by the life you left behind_

_Your face it haunts my once pleasant dreams_

_Your voice it chased away all the sanity in me…_

Your voice and face are my conscience, Yuki, that goddamn nagging voice in the back of my head. How does that make you feel? Always telling me what's right and wrong, still bossing me around, even in your internal sleep. You're what has made me afraid of myself. I'm afraid of what I might do to get you to finally leave me alone. How hard can it possibly be for you to let the boy you forced into a man go? You're going to kill me, Yuki! Or are those your intentions? So you'll be able to control me in hell? Because I know that's where I'm headed…

_These wounds won't seem to heal_

_This pain is just too real_

_There's just too much that time cannot erase…_

I hear a familiar voice calling out to me in the background and turn to see who it is. Dammit! That brat followed me here! I quickly wipe the tears away with my gloved hand and take a few stabilizing breaths before he runs up to my side, dropping next to me in the fridged snow.

I look at him and prepare myself to yell, but can't bring myself to do it. He's just so damn cute. His face was flushed from the cold, now as pink as his hair, and his large amethyst eyes gazed up at me in concern. He didn't need to see whose name was carved on the grave to know whose I was visiting.

I looked back at the cold stone, realizing that my tears had never stopped falling. Damn, and now I was crying in front of Shuichi? And was my mind playing tricks with me, or were the faint hints of alcohol carrying themselves through the languid winter breeze? I smelled the air around me and only smelled that cold, crisp winter smell that the snow leaves behind.

You're going to drive me insane, Yuki. Or do you want that as well?

I look back at Shuichi and can't stop myself. I fall into his embrace, sobbing as what I have left to hang onto you by slips gingerly out of my grasp. He doesn't say anything, just wraps his arms around me and pulls me closer. He knows that I need this, knows that I need to let go of you before I can love him the way he needs to be loved…

_When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears_

_When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears_

_And I've held your hand through all of these years_

_But you still have all of me…_

My sobs slowly die down and I pull myself away from my lover. That's right, Yuki, my _lover_. I smile self-depreciatingly at him and he just smiles back softly.

"Are you okay?" he asks, cupping my face gently in his gloved hand.

I nod and give one last glance at the stone. I still feel your presence around me, Yuki, but it's faint. You were suffocating me before, standing over me to the point of an imagined claustrophobia, but now you're gone. At least you are for the most part. I know that you'll always follow me; you'll always be my paranoia, making me look over my shoulder and be afraid when nothing's even there…

_I've tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone_

_And though you're still with me_

_I've been alone all along…_

I stand up and slowly look down at the pink-haired baka that still sat in the freezing snow. I smile at him again and he smiles back, looking back at the grave in what almost looks to be fear. I offer him a helping hand and he takes it gratefully, allowing me to pull him up from the ground.

"Are you sure you're okay?" he asks, not letting go of my hand.

"Yeah, now I think I'm good," I say and start to walk away from the grave.

He takes one last look back before following me, I know he does because I feel him stall for a second, but comes obligingly. There's no need for you to follow me anymore, Yuki. I'm a big boy now and don't need you anymore. I know that jealousy was an emotion that you were hardly ever in, since you did always love to get paid all that money by all the others that wanted a round with me, but it was your forte. Jealousy is not a good emotion, and put it in the hands of an alcoholic rapist and you could make the world stop spinning. You did that for one particular sixteen year old, Yuki, and it took six years and an angel sent from God to get him to forgive you and move on with his life...

_When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears_

_When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears_

_And I've held your hand through all of these years_

_But you still have all of me_

Goodbye,…Yuki Kitazawa

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A/N: Yeah, I know that is A LOT shorter than my usual fics, but I just had to get it out there. I don't know if y'all like the way I wrote it (with Eiri's POV talking to and about Yuki), but I like it. Whenever I hear "My Immortal" I don't think about Shuichi dying and Yuki looking back on all of their good times, I think of this... Sorry for those of you that don't, but this is the way I think about it...

Welp, I'm off to work on ILaH. Hopefully I can get rid of the damn writer's block that's back for the third time this month, and get to work…

Please R&R this and tell me what you think. If you don't…I'll find you and make you review. Just kidding!! O.o


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